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Baby, the Stars Shine Brite

The secret life of a girl.the strange confessions and dirty little secrets of a girl.

We'll always be together
21.10.04

If only I were transformed into a giant bug... 
The heavy clouds of sleep lift as I become aware of the warmth and weight of the feather comfortor around me, the bland beep of the alarm jars me out of bed. As I struggle to wake up I hope I'm still dreaming - I can't be here, this can't be happening.
There are no intolerable living conditions anymore, no cuts on my arms, thighs, no obnioxus cocktail of diet pills, caffiene, and antibiotics running through my system, no more strange infections, no more depression... I'm in England, in his arms, where I belong.
But no arms hold me and the crampped conditions of my dorm room quickly remind me of the hostile environment I seem to be stuck with. It is not a dream, this is my life - and I hate it.

posted by Tragic the Pixie @ 10/21/2004 09:57:00 PM

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20.10.04

Return to Sanity - Momentarily 
I hate feeling isolated - no wait, rather I hate isolating myself. I hate it when I begin to get too comfortable with people and end up saying too much, being too honest, and sharing too much. Once again, this has been a downfall. I tell myself it's okay and it'll be fine - but it's not.
The real problem is, when I need to open up, it becomes too difficult. If I do manage it, I do it with an inapporiate smile on my face - coming off as joking, screwing around eternally, making light of issues that aren't terribly light. No, I find it difficult to say (even to the doctors) fucking help me - stop this, save me from myself - most likely because deep down I cannot allow myself to be saved.
I'm not sick enough. Moments of clarity in the maddness, however frequent, are not enough.
I'll probably die like this.

posted by Tragic the Pixie @ 10/20/2004 11:00:00 PM

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18.10.04

The Smell of Death in the Air 
I love the fall - I love the way the leaves crunch underneath my feet, the copper coloured trees, the way the smell of death and decay and wood burning fires mingles in the air... the crisp breezes and the October sun. I love the way people start wrapping up for winter, wearing heavier and richer colours, makeup becomes darker and more bold.
Yesterday was the perfect autumn day. A little warmer than anticipated, a little cool in the shade, the October sun shining down on the sidewalk and for once, I was happy to be in the city. Yes I was happy - really happy, happy to be walking with Emily and Corey to Mokabee's down Grand, happy to be skipping through the beautiful city of St. Louis.
St. Louis is a beautiful city - lovely artichetcture. Old houses so cheap - gorgeous houses I would die to own. Beautiful streets and pretty picturesque areas around town. Nice coffee houses that are open twenty four hours where you can feel free to sit outside and write. I wish I were in Paris, London, Greece - but for one day, it didn't matter and I didn't want to be anywhere but here.

"Letter from the Anoretic"
From 58 to twenty four my mind flew out the door
from 43 to thirty two, I only ever wanted you
from 38 to thirty four, I never ever asked for more
from 30 to twenty two, I never wanted to....

from 2,000 to a hundred I fell into a masochistic wonderland
where showers are long and cold as Russian winters,
hard pins driving into backs, hips, tits, and bones exposed
where worlds separate, I am ashamed of what I've ate
midterm midnight ice cream rush, leaves me shattered in uncomfortable lust
my inflatable waist and ever expandable ass far too much for his hand to grasp
nights are spent running, looking for peace -look just shut up okay, I know it hurts, keep going dammnit, you're not that weak - you can't be weak, what do you mean you have needs, no that's not right, no you don't, you don't really mean that, need that, eat that, feel that, think that, wear that ...
makeup becomes a saviour, that makes you look alive
concealer covers the dark black circles, foundation gives a tint of colour to the pallid face,
lipstick adds character and rouge a little life
eyeshadow adds to the illusion everything it all right,
coal black eyeliner hides the manic visible in your eyes
bra, t-shirt, sweater, jacket, coat, blouse
collarbone, shoulderblade, spinal cord, ribs, hip bone, wrist, femur....
heaven forbid your ankles be thick

posted by Tragic the Pixie @ 10/18/2004 01:39:00 PM

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12.10.04

Lonely 
I am a void. Empty. Skin, bones, and not much else.
I am consumed by my own mind - preoccupied constantly with what I ate, craved, thought of, what grave sins of consumption I have commited.
But, I couldn't always have been this way - surely to fuck there was more to me at one point in time.

The world swirls beneath my feet and this void eats me alive.

posted by Tragic the Pixie @ 10/12/2004 06:46:00 PM

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11.10.04

I'm a Teenage Drama Queen, I Throw Up My Guts For Self Esteem 
The blaring alarm startles me out of a rather fitful sleep interrupted by my roommate's rustling and movement a mere hour earlier. It wouldn't be so bad being awakened by her vanity if she were pretty - but she's not. She doesn't excite or interest me at all. Maybe part of that has to do with her being a bitch but it really doesn't matter. I haphazardly stumble to my desk and shut off the blasting alarm in order to grab my cell phone, set an alarm for a half hour and try to sleep again - which maybe I do for an hour or so, waking up and stumbling out of bed 15 minutes before my first class.
As I make my way hurriedly to Latin - I do a mental checklist of all the things I need to do today yet: go back to dorm and brush teeth, fix hair, grab jacket it's fucking cold, physiology and theology reading; no, scratch that last one I can't show my face in theology tomorrow... oh fuck, it's midterms and today I have a history exam. Christ, why didn't I study? A weekend of doing absolutely nothing flashes before my eyes and I'm upset. I wasted a weekend and on top of all that I've academically screwed myself. Why do I have to be such a slacker - why can't I care just a little bit?
Once getting to Latin my day gets no worse, I have managed to earn, yes that's right earn, a zero on a test. Thankfully, the don doesn't call on me to translate anything because I can't translate shit. I don't know Latin, I don't study for Latin, and worst of all, I need this class AND the don's help to get my ass out of this hell hole - I need a good impression which my academics are terribly not making.
Next up on the list of things to screw me over is my history midterm. It turns out to be not as bad as I had supposed - in fact, I'm fairly sure I got all ten of the matching questions correct. The essays I may have managed to squeak a B on. I didn't use dates - that's fucked me over I know. It didn't seem to make sense to use dates however and so maybe people will understand this. I come out with a distinct sense of failure and head back to my dorm to print off my English paper basic outlines.
In English I'm just over a week behind in collecting my data for my paper. This is okay, I still have a week to write the damn thing AND the summary of my data. I have interesting quotes and it would appear that I actually did some work. I don't get to work with Chris though - so it's not a good day; no one in my group has any helpful input. I feel like a failure and worst of all, the fact that I probably did fail my midterm has begun to sink in and causes my stomach lurch every few seconds.
- Perhaps that lurch is due to the frappichino I downed in under five minutes on an empty stomach as well. Suddenly my knees get weak and the room begins to spin. I sigh softly and manage to keep the coffee down until it's convent to let it out and walk to my next class.
Unfortunately, I can't be bothered to show up, and promptly turn around and walk back to the other side of campus. I end up in the food court with Chris letting him vent. The poor guy - a girl keeps breaking his heart and then trampling on it. I feel sorry for him, but it makes me feel more than a little guilty. I've been in her shoes. Eventually he seems to feel better and goes off to prepare for his radio show. I end up calling Emily and we get lunch/dinner. On the way I run into Corey and plan another binge and purge of Chinese with her for later in the evening. I come back to my room to find no one home; finally something goes right, I can throw up in peace.
Later Corey calls and we go to Borders. I end up picking up yet another copy of Wasted, because it's triggering and comforting all at the same time. I miss my books, and I hate how my mother keeps throwing out Wasted. We end up doing a bit of coffee house hopping - from Borders to Mokabee's (where I'm sure Father B. Would have loved to know I proudly wore my SLU hoodie on National Coming Out Day) to Coffee Cartel for sweets. I buy an iced mocha and huge brownie and come home to throw up not so discretely with all my suitemates around.
I'm a stupid girl sometimes - and I even skip class to do it. I'm getting too fat for this shit - and too old to be taking ephedra and caffeine. Damn these chest pains. I wish I were more responsible; but for now, I'm going to stop eating the rest of the week.

posted by Tragic the Pixie @ 10/11/2004 11:29:00 PM

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9.10.04

remember how it used to be / when the sun would fill up the sky / remember how we used to feel / those days would never end / those days would never end / remember how it used to be / when the stars would fill the sky / remember how we used to dream / those nights would never end / those nights would never end / it was the sweetness of your skin / it was the hope of all we might have been / that fills me with the hope to wish / impossible things / but now the sun shines cold / and all the sky is grey /the stars are dimmed by clouds and tears / and all i wish / is gone away ...

I remember the first time I met you, a scared young girl set on fire with anticipation and wondering how it would feel to be evolved in your arms. I remember the first time I saw you, in that parking lot and a surge of hope - hope that you would like me, hope that you would not be sorry, hope that you would find me pretty, hope that all this wasn't some horrible mistake.
I remember every secret meeting and stolen kiss. I remember very lie I told them and where we actually were. I remember every caress and every lick.
I remember the next time I saw you and how the flush on my cheeks wasn't the low grade fever. I remember your arms and your passionate kisses, and how you wanted me so much.
I remember meeting on English soil for the first time. I remember the way everything look greener, and brighter, and bluer just because you were there. Every flower smelled sweeter, every raindrop gentler, and every bird sang louder in your presence.
I remember seeing you the last time, and your strong arms. I held your hand as you drove and playing in Cornwall. I being held by you as I slept. I remember needing you so much, and wanting it all so much. I remember your strong hands holding mine and walking around York. I remember holding you in the hotel room talking about the future and crying ...
I remember leaving you and crying and writing all the way home. I remember crying in the airport for hours during the longest layover of my life.

I miss you so much. I miss your arms and your smiles and your kisses, I miss your calling me silly and holding me. I miss your soft cheeks and gentle hands.

posted by Tragic the Pixie @ 10/09/2004 02:38:00 PM

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7.10.04

Dammit, Stop Crying and Go to Class 
No matter how hard one tries sometimes the tears keep coming - and it's not that I don't like university; but it's more that I had expected and hoped for so much more. Everyone always tells you that things change, people change, things are so much different and you'll really love college. The really unfortunate thing is, no one tells you what to do when things don't change, people haven't changed, and NOTHING is different and worst of all there's no one to ask what to do. When university is just like high school what are you supposed to do?
Transfer? Throw in the towel completely? Hang in there and hope next semester things will get better? Everyone has their own roommate horror stories, freshman fifteen panic, midterm meltdown, or freshman slump don't they?
Except, what if the roommate horror story makes you want to curl up and disappear - constantly. What if the freshman 15 panic is a negative 15, negative 25, negative 30.... What do you do when the midterm meltdown has absolutely nothing to do with coursework at all and the freshman slump is a downward spiral of depression eating you alive?
I'm not homesick, not for my "home." I prefer the isolated loneliness of school to that any day. I am not stressed out about my work - I am aware that I really should be concered that I keep skipping latin and I'm not doing so hot in the first place or that I didn't get to turn in that theology assignment because of my stupid printer not working and not going somewhere to print. I am however, horribly upset by my living conditions. My roommate and suitemates hate me, and I don't know why. If they had ever talked to me maybe I could find a reason - as they never did, I can't. This entire hallway seems to hate me and I didn't even do anything.
But now, I really need to quit crying, make myself look respectable, and go to class - I've skipped enough classes lately.

posted by Tragic the Pixie @ 10/07/2004 01:12:00 PM

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6.10.04

The Sexuality Interview: Have We Come A Long Way, Baby? 
Age: 19
Race: white
Gender: female
Education: some college
Career: NA
Class: upper middle
Sexual Orientation: bisexual
Marital Status: single
Children: 0

- Were you aware that in the 1920s people dated more people, it was considered a large faux pas for a girl to see one boy exclusively and people married at much later ages than in the postWWII eras? If no, does this surprise you?
Yes - not suprising.

- Were you aware that also in early 20th century young women began to widely attend colleges, places of higher education, and enter the work force and invented the "career girl"? Does this surprise you?
Yes: not suprising.

- Were you aware that up until the 1920s women did not wear make up other than powder ever nor did they smoke or cut their hair - if they did they were considered a "loose woman"?
Yes; not suprising.

- Were you also aware that so-called petting was widespread among youth in the 1920s and included every embrace known to married couples but intercourse?
Yes; not suprising.

- Were you aware that birth control was illegal in the united states until the early 1960s; that it was even illegal to research such a thing or provide any kind of information on birth control and family planning? Does this surprise you?
Yes; not suprising.

- Were you also aware that when The Pill was first introduced it was illegal to give to unmarried women? Does this surprise you?
Yes; not suprising.

- What are the "bases?"
I have no idea: 1st base = kissing, 2nd base = tongue kissing and being felt up, 3rd base = oral sex, petting

- What do you think of when you hear the phrase "a good girl"; what does this imply - what will a good girl do, what's acceptable, virginity, waiting until marriage, sexual ignorance, what won't she do...
A good girl is a virgin, or someone who sleeps with very few people and if she has sex may only keep it to missionary position and may be unadventurous.

- What do you think of when you hear the phrase "a bad girl"?
Someone who is more unabashedly sexual, sleeps with men, and is more sexually skilled and willing to do more, let people go further, etc.

- Define "slut"
A woman who sleeps around and is easy to have intercourse with.

- How many men does a woman have to sleep with to be considered a slut?
40 or so, or maybe more than three or four at a time.

- At what age did you lose your virginity?
12

- How many people have you dated/did you date before marriage?
10

- How many people have you had a sexual relationship with?
7

- Is oral sex sex? Why/why not?
Yes - it's sexual behavior and can result in sexual orgasm.

- How long should a couple wait before entering a sexual relationship? Did you follow this?
a few dates maybe; but I don't always follow this.

- How long should a couple, or an individual wait before marriage? Did you follow this?
At least a year, preferably living together. Yes - but not living together.

- (Women) At what age did you start wearing makeup? (If children) At what age will you allow your children to wear makeup?6
11. I don't know - probably 10 or 11.

- Do you feel the wearing of make up implies anything about sexual maturity - etc?
No - but I do think it sends a sexual signal.

- (Women) At what age did you begin shaving your legs? At what age will you allow your children to shave their legs?
11. Probably ten or eleven as well.

- Does the shaving of legs have any implication of sexual readiness etc?
No.

- Do you masturbate?
Yes!

- Do you feel female masturbation is a taboo subject?
Yes, no one talks about it and it seems to be less acceptable to mention a woman masturbating than it is to talk about a male masturbating.

- Have you ever participated in a friends with benefits relationship? What do you think of such relationships? What was your experience with this: was it fulfilling for you emotionally, sexually, etc.
Yes, and I think they can be healthy as long as both individuals are at the same level of detachment and aware of what the other wants and expects. I also think they're only worthwhile if they are equal. It has been both emotionally and sexually fulfilling for me in the past.

- Have you ever had a one night stand? How does this differ from friends with benefits, what do you think of them...
No. Assuming it was safe sex and everything in a sexual sense one night stands maybe healthy however - as many one night stands are a result of intoxication and can be risky behavior and lead to violence and such, they are probably more unhealthy.
A one night stand differs from friends with benefits in that you will never see this person again; friends with benefits is someone you would hang out with outside of sex, or do hang out with outside of sex, or have more than wanting to get off right then.

- What do you think of giving/receiving oral sex? Do you think female oral sex is more or less acceptable in our society.
I enjoy giving oral sex - I don't enjoy receiving. I think female oral sex is less acceptable in our society than male oral sex. This is probably due to an issues of cleanliness. The idea of a guy going down on me disgusts me.

- What do you think of beauty pageants for young children? (make up, clothing, objectified...)
I think the young girls are objectified sexually and that this probably can have very adverse effects on the girls.

Do you think sexual education in schools is healthy and a good idea?
Yes.

Do you think masturbation should be taught in schools as an alternative to intercourse?
Yes definitely; both self masturbation and outercourse or mutual masturbation (IE how to get your partner off).

Define "Bitch"
A female who is aggressive, driven, rude, pushy, opinionated, and strong-willed.

Define "Lady"
A female who is soft spoken, carries herself with dignity and grace.

Define "Cunt"
a vagina. Another term along the lines of "bitch" but not exclusive to females (or "bastard"); an insult.

Do you use the word "cunt"
Yes - in both instances

posted by Tragic the Pixie @ 10/06/2004 12:00:00 AM

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5.10.04

Back To Where I Began 
Who was it that said "you can't go home again"? Maybe they were right, at least this is true in my case. I sincerely believe if I never spent another weekend with my parents and little brother everyone would be happier. I had been home twenty minutes before I reverted to an eleven year old again - and sixteen dollars worth of chinese food later I was bending over throwing up every last bit of it for the next hour and a half.
Since moving out of my parents' house however I think I've become much more healthy. Well, that is true in some respects.
University seems to help me keep myself focused. I'm not sure why though. Perhaps because I have more to do or maybe due to being away from them. M. and I had a slight realtionship. M. got obsessive and I broke it off. M. can't let go and thus I seem to have acquired a stalker. The situation appears to have died down now, I can only hope. In the meantime, my grades managed to suffer in the two or three (I can't even tell anymore) weeks worth of maddness.
I should go do some work now to help those grades from slipping further.

posted by Tragic the Pixie @ 10/05/2004 04:25:00 PM

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Still Working 
Once again, I'll fix the rest later I have to get to class now! But this is a new purpose and everything for now on it's more about... polished works!

posted by Tragic the Pixie @ 10/05/2004 01:29:00 PM

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"Father Forgive Me" (later renamed "Baby, the Stars Shine Brite") was started in the hope that a confessional blog would be entertaining reading as well as intellectual. After being neglected for some years is now, rather anonymously written in the hopes of hashing out thoughts in a somewhat intelligent manner. Aside from the writer of this blog, I am a university student majoring in Women's Studies and minoring in English at a prominent Catholic university in Middle America. A dedicated liberal - I also throw and participate fully in raves and rave culture from DJing, to lights and sound crew, to doing homework in legal libraries I'll be there - in true Riot Grrrl style: usually a miniskirt, combat boots, and wildly dyed hair. Aside from considering law school and entering politics I hope to start an organization wherever I end up providing a safe place for teenage girls (and boys) and helping their voices be heard as well as providing information on sex, condoms, and anything under the sun that kids may need. I am currently engaged to a wonderful man and hope to be married sometime around November of 2008.
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