Nov. 4, 2000

Shoved against the grass I stare at the sky waiting for it to be over. Pain rips through me and if I could just relax it would be all right. If I'm still it will hurt less, at some point it has to hurt less. It burns as he rips delicate tissues inside me; little do I know this is just the start. I pray someone doesn't come down here to find us - and I half wish they would.It's too cold for this sort of thing I said. I wasn't really feeling it anyway - I didn't know him that well. I'm not in the mood, there's no bed, not even a blanket and it's cold. But I had been too weak, too shy, too afraid to say no - or rather too afraid to do much of anything about it. He was bigger than me and so much stronger than me from running track. I'm not sure why I went with him, put it down to a self destructive tendency that was already full blown. Dating boys I don't feel safe with. Being friends with those I can't trust. Maybe I really did think I'd be loved - but I doubt it. I never really had any illusions about him or anyone else loving me. Maybe I even knew what was up but went with him anyway.In reality though, I hadn't expected on been prepared for this.

His virginal status was apparent as he tore through tissue unwilling to let him in. All the while he whispered that he loved me, how he'd always remember me - because I was his first, how beautiful I was called me an angel and made sweet jokes about my being a princess in reference to my shirt. I lie there trying not to move and to relax, but I can't. In my mind I sing to myself and convince myself it's fine. Let him use me and kiss me on the mouth - shoving his sickly sweet tounge down my throat unskillfully.
Somehow, I get up and quickly get dressed as he gallantly shields me from whatever prying eyes. He leaves the used condom in the park grass and walks me a fifth of the way home.
Who knew even today I'd feel like a whore?

I'm sorry...
I cannot be your trophy wife:
set upon the shelf; a magic mirror for you to look into.
I am not a prize to be won
I do not want to be plucked from life so soon
shut up in a gilded cage
(not even a with bars of love)
I do not wish to be cruel
nor harsh or abrupt.
I do not mean to banish love
and crumple you and me up.
We are not a forgotten verse
or a discarded dress that has gone out of fashion;
but I cannot give up myself entirely just yet
I do not know when or if I can.

Using various artists and songs:

I.
I guess I kind thought it would be easier than this
If this is love it breaks my heart
I love you, I'm not gonna cry
It seems so real
And now I know who you are
Can't believe you fake it
Seven years went under the bridge like time was standing still
Wasted tears on lonliness
What we can't touch we can't be real.

II.
Hey, is anybody home?
She's lying there dead, but she's breathing
she's elegantly wasted.
Hour by hour - I'm choosing my confessions.
Please don't take my heart away
hope dangles on a string - slow spinning redemption
I'm sorry not all my love letters did rhyme
my legendary girlfriend is crying tonight.
War on all sides!
It echoes in my brain - I didn't mean it.
She's coming down on her own now
don't make me - I plan on sleeping in.