My feminism is no secret - and my loving father has stated many times he (and my mother) will be terribly glad when I "grow out of this stage" and "get over that feminist bullshit."
It's true, I could simply be polite and not label myself as "liberal" - which to my father means "radical" ... Except I cannot deny my own radicalness. I am not a radical however, because I believe women are people too, should have just as many rights, and that all humanity should be equal as such: members of the human race. I am not a radical because I organize and participate in political demonstrations such as the march on school of the Americas, have been arrested in a protest against the war in Iraq, a die in raising AIDS awareness, and multiple times and above all been politically active and vocal about abortion - more specifically a woman's right to choose have and be able to obtain one safely. (I may be a radical for my belief that everyone should have the right to alter their own consciousness at will, do this regularly, and for many other practices and ideals I adhere to.)
But my own fear of motherhood does not lie at the root of this belief or any other feminist doctrine that I would gladly defend.
As I watched my father badger my brother earlier today I realized it was just that which lies at the heart of my feminist tendencies. Perhaps, if I had grown up in a household like many of my neighbor's and classmates at my lovely Jesuit university where everyone was believed to be a person, allowed to have privacy, feelings, ideas, and listened to even if then reprimanded and patiently explained why they were "wrong" ... I might not feel so strongly about things that I do. I might take my aunt's advice and "shut up and look pretty" and be just fine with the fact that "powerful men don't want strong, independent women." But I'm not.
I grew up hearing assume things like "I'm your friend, stupid" and "what you think doesn't matter, I'm the father" and "Well I'm the husband Tami, so why are you so stupid you can't support me" when he was clearly wrong. I think that this sort of upbringing can only diminish respect for authority: especially that male authority - the idea that husbands and fathers are the head of households and power is not exactly shared. Followed by the idea that being a male, in a household, automatically earns respect and obedience is love. I beg to differ - I do not want a tyrant. I simply want a partner; I would like a partner who has my best interests at heart as certainly has he has his own but if they are not I have no problem with ending a relationship.
I think that this may possibly make me a feminist ... But one would hope it's not a phase as I can't see any harm in having enough self respect and self love to notice that I am a person entitled to every right of every other person.

It's Christmastime, and for me, that means I *have* to spend time with my family. This is the only time of the year I might actually get stuff from them: in the form of gifts. So, every year I have to think of everything I will need to spend money on in the course of a year, and ask for that for Christmas. Just so they will actually get things off the list, I throw in a few frivolous things that I might enjoy but aren't at the top of the list since I don't actually *need* them - like an ipod nano. Totally useless compared to facial cleanser, new trousers, and underwear but things I really, really need. Oddly enough, I did get the nano. Not the other stuff - which although make boring presents are sorely needed.
Presents are not the point though: I have to interact with my family. That's pretty much it. I have to interact with my family and although I've been informed (mostly by them, and rudely) that the painfulness of this should be over by now and how completely immature I am that it's not, and of course accused left and right of having "problems." What they are, aside from my family is crazy and I believe anyone finds interacting with them downright painful related or not, someone PLEASE tell me. My parents always choose someone, whose company I generally enjoy, to take out their frustrations about their daughter on. Last year it was Charlie, a friend I was fucking. The year before that they bitched about my boyfriend - they are never happy with boyfriends. When I was in highschool I supposed that was their right but now I think it's not and they need to shut the fuck up.
First and foremost... I am HAPPY. No, really, I am so happy with this boy I scarcely believe it and am forever just waiting to wake up. Except I don't. I'm not saying it's like a fairytale - we do have problems. We have serious financial issues. He's irresponsible with money and prone to doing stupid shit. I'm always afraid he'll do something to stupid and I'll have to break up with him. I'm no picnic to date: I regularly engage in risky behavior and when I get upset instead of talking to you about it I'll buy a pint of ice cream and puke. I have, due to depression and attempting eating disorder recovery, gained some weight looking less than my usual gorgeous. Thankfully, so has he and we're a cute couple if somewhat pudgy. Kandikids can always make up for the occasional weight gain - I just pray I'm not actually pregnant.
But he makes me happy. So what if I foot the bill for a lot of things: scarily enough, I have the most money at the moment. Fuck gender roles - I mean, I am lately coming to admire Britney Spears. I admire how she and Mr. Spears (come on, who're we kidding, she has the power in that relationship) have flipped gender roles - if more silly pop stars would do that maybe it would make it okay when in a young couple the young lady holds the purse strings and is aggressive. I mean, it's about time! And anyway I'm sick and tired of waiting around for prince charming.
Actually I found one awhile ago - and you know what? He can go to hell; I am not a commodity, I cannot be bought, and I certainly am not impressed by your money.
I'm perfectly happy with this boy and if my parents can't see that or resent me too much to care about that I am not so sorry to say - I don't actually give a damn.

Just a few things, in no particular order, that I don't actually think anyone knows about me
All the women in my family are catty bitches - and as far as I can tell, generally don't like each other - or most people.
I am afraid of doing acid - because I am afraid of others hearing my internal dialogue. I know losing internal dialogue is a possible effect of it. Occasionally I think I lose internal dialogue and talk to myself when I'm unaware, and as a result any time I am deep in thought I get paranoid that I have been talking to myself and everyone now knows what I was thinking. I don't actually trust anyone enough to say what I'm thinking usually.
I actual LIKE Aqua.
I do really kind of want to be a mommy - I always say someday but maybe now in the long run it wouldn't be so bad.
I don't actually have a reason to get out of the bed in the morning: so usually I don't.
I dislike sex. It hurts. I never have orgasms. I can never relax. Boys are never pretty or gentle or slow enough.
I only want to make out with girls - not actually go down on them.
I am completely uncomfortable with people going down on me. I've had a few bad experiences - which I admit where because of inexperienced and not so sensitive boys but because of these I can never relax and trust someone enough to let it happen - and then enjoy it.
I'm always lonely - even when I'm not alone.
I never buy what I want or feel justified asking for what I want. I tell myself I don't want anything.
I swear my ipod can read my mind - and it's really annoying because certain songs just don't need to come on randomly while I'm jogging; I cannot jog and cry.
I'd rather die than cry in front of people; but most especially my family and over half my friends If I do have to cry in front of people, please for the love of god, let it be strangers.
I suspect I am going crazy or falling apart - and everyone knows it.
I want more hugs. I want hugs from everyone. The world needs more hugs... I want someone to come and love me (not so much physically) but seriously ... I want someone to call me babydoll again and hold me ... And although this would happen if I asked I can't ask - if I ask it's not real now is it? Actually that's dumb and I know it but how I feel.
I sometimes just want someone to tell me everything will be alright - even if I know it's a lie.
I am afraid I'll just drift away in my dreams ... And curl up in a box forever. I can easily see myself being a junkie living in a box.
I don't mind lecture classes - and usually if the review of most students is a professor is boring, I love their class.
I can play the entire album of Little Earthquakes by Tori Amos on piano ... and I secretly think I can sing and I never do in front of people - because once a friend told me I can't sing. So now really I'm too shy to ever sing well in front of people; or try.
I love and miss my best friend ... And hate him with a passion at the same time.
I hate being put into a box ... And I always am... I am this type of person, or that type of person and I always s do this or that and think these certain things ...
Most days really I just want to lie down and die ... But I am too lazy and uncreative to kill myself.