Just a few things, in no particular order, that I don't actually think anyone knows about me
All the women in my family are catty bitches - and as far as I can tell, generally don't like each other - or most people.
I am afraid of doing acid - because I am afraid of others hearing my internal dialogue. I know losing internal dialogue is a possible effect of it. Occasionally I think I lose internal dialogue and talk to myself when I'm unaware, and as a result any time I am deep in thought I get paranoid that I have been talking to myself and everyone now knows what I was thinking. I don't actually trust anyone enough to say what I'm thinking usually.
I actual LIKE Aqua.
I do really kind of want to be a mommy - I always say someday but maybe now in the long run it wouldn't be so bad.
I don't actually have a reason to get out of the bed in the morning: so usually I don't.
I dislike sex. It hurts. I never have orgasms. I can never relax. Boys are never pretty or gentle or slow enough.
I only want to make out with girls - not actually go down on them.
I am completely uncomfortable with people going down on me. I've had a few bad experiences - which I admit where because of inexperienced and not so sensitive boys but because of these I can never relax and trust someone enough to let it happen - and then enjoy it.
I'm always lonely - even when I'm not alone.
I never buy what I want or feel justified asking for what I want. I tell myself I don't want anything.
I swear my ipod can read my mind - and it's really annoying because certain songs just don't need to come on randomly while I'm jogging; I cannot jog and cry.
I'd rather die than cry in front of people; but most especially my family and over half my friends If I do have to cry in front of people, please for the love of god, let it be strangers.
I suspect I am going crazy or falling apart - and everyone knows it.
I want more hugs. I want hugs from everyone. The world needs more hugs... I want someone to come and love me (not so much physically) but seriously ... I want someone to call me babydoll again and hold me ... And although this would happen if I asked I can't ask - if I ask it's not real now is it? Actually that's dumb and I know it but how I feel.
I sometimes just want someone to tell me everything will be alright - even if I know it's a lie.
I am afraid I'll just drift away in my dreams ... And curl up in a box forever. I can easily see myself being a junkie living in a box.
I don't mind lecture classes - and usually if the review of most students is a professor is boring, I love their class.
I can play the entire album of Little Earthquakes by Tori Amos on piano ... and I secretly think I can sing and I never do in front of people - because once a friend told me I can't sing. So now really I'm too shy to ever sing well in front of people; or try.
I love and miss my best friend ... And hate him with a passion at the same time.
I hate being put into a box ... And I always am... I am this type of person, or that type of person and I always s do this or that and think these certain things ...
Most days really I just want to lie down and die ... But I am too lazy and uncreative to kill myself.