As a feminist - I see a pattern in women's lives virtually around the world: that of waiting. You're always waiting for something. Dorothy Parker said it best "All your life you wait around for some damn man!" I'm always waiting ... for the phone to ring, for an e-mail (and how sad is THAT), for results, for a ring, for everything under the sun. I'm trying to fix this really I am but how can you fix years of conditioning?
Of course, they never call. If they do call, they weren't really needed and if they don't call it was the only time it really mattered.

But for now - It's the last Hullabaloo this weekend. I'm off for some more irresponsibility in Toronto and hopefully upon my return this time this computer won't die and there will ACTUALLY be an update. No sex (sorry guys) because on principal, I am holding out. If you can't call, and can't treat me like a person (and no, I don't care if you're sick that does not affect your cell phone) you don't get to play. I'm not a piece of meat ... And if sex were like cooking ... I can cook for myself better and in half the time! It's true, cooking alone can leave one satisfied but not alive and crashing into life and salt and sweat and that ecstasy with someone else; but hey ... I'll take satisfied, dead, at night alone I marry the bed over being a piece of meat for someone to devour.

THERE IS NO TIME FOR ENTERTAINMENT.

There is only time for work, all work and no play makes the pixie a dull girl. However, entertainment is not the name of the game this weekend. The numb was nice while it lasted, but Lou broke me Friday. I could kill him for it as I sit here with my term papers unwritten and the text books paragraphs swimming before my eyes.
Feminism for black women is different because of the inseperablility of the constructions of race, gender, and class ...
He left me. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Shit... I love him... God I'm a bitch... And why the hell hasn't the boy called back. No, I take that back he called. I wish my spending time with his friends made him jealous. He probably doesn't even know... whatever, he's a sweet enough guy. Nice for cuddling ...
So if you're lonely, you know I'm here waiting for you... and if you leave here, you leave me broken shattered and ... I'm just a... I know I won't be leaving here, with you ...
Back to feminist theory: multiculturalism. moral realtivism. Pope Benedict whatever... the billiken guy... Nazi, Hitler youth, Mitch Hedberg is dead; I could be dead too. Bleeding... maybe I shouldn't have stopped it. I should see a dr... I should have more sex...
God it would be nice to be lost in an embrace.... drowned in kisses and salty tastes and sweat... pushed in and rough. Nothing can cure the soul like the senses.
Steady on. Keep it together. Hulla will be great. Keep it together, don't break, it's gonna be fine you can do this. It's only the end of the world: it was a long time coming. It's better this way you know it deep down... everything will be okay.
Bend the peices like they fit, but they weren't meant for this. No, they weren't meant for this.
Such a fuckign hypocrite. You sell the boy such shit - the dreams he needs to hear, the encouragement, the idealism to keep him going. Such a load of shit and worst of all you can't even call him and make him sell it back to you. If you do that you'll be gone for good and that would be bad. All of this is bad. Eitherway you've got nothing.
I wanna dance until the sun goes down, dance until the world goes round and round ... I'm a raver can't you see ... do you wanna rave all night with me?
Next weekend will make up for missing out on this weekend... Dancing will be great even if you don't get some pills. A roll is probably the worst thing int he world right now: but you know damn well how much you need to feel it. Or maybe just slip into the other boy's house.... into his bed and get lost in his touch. He'd do it and you know it...
Where is Dave? Where is my mind? Where is my love? Why won't my phone ring?

There is no time for entertainment. Get to work. You need to be serious.
Do you think you're better off alone...

So, I definitely can't eat. No matter what it is, or how little I can't keep it down. I'm not sure if it's just me being bulimic or maybe I'm just upset. Probably the latter because you know even thinking of eating makes me sick. At the same time, I know I should eat. Not eating and taking these pills is making me even sicker than I would be as my life just sort of fell apart....(maybe anyway)A fact which I notice I'm really not acknowledging. I haven't cried actually... I tried to, I really did, but I couldn't. I still don't feel anything. Just left with this absolutely strange numbness. I want someone to hold me and tell me it'll be ok while I cry: I also realise that if no one touches me I'll never break and because I have that whole I-can't-cry-in-front-of-people complex even then it would be hard. But still... I just want someone here to hold me and tell me it's ok. I should stop fighting this but I don't know how. Furthermore, I realise no one (except Dave) loves me enough to hold me while I cry.
Actually just straight up no one loves me and that's my fault for being such an unlovable bitch.

ah no wait... here come the tears but fuck... I have class.

Parties are the both the bane of my existance and my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. A good party can be an expression of sheer humanity with so much love and kindness in the room that you can taste it (it tastes sweet, like the blue cotton candy). It isn't the drugs either if that's what you're thinking I've had many of the greatest experiences sober doing tricks for kids. I'm always sad when I see a good kid get jaded; even sadder is seeing how some people remain unaffected by these events. Those people who stay around long enough though, they know what it's about.
Sometimes things happen that weren't supposed to; or so you thought, even though maybe they were supposed to happen all along. In an instant things can change.
Sometimes you meet people who are just so amazing that things happen you never planned on: these too are always the best things and worst things in the world all at once. But it's so hard to find someone you connect with on so many levels - and it's so hard to watch them tear themselves apart. It's so hard to face up to the person you love; and who loves you more than they should, doesn't connect anymore, doesn't know you, and to realise maybe they never will.

It's all so depressing
this etcetera.
and tiring and mind consuming
the endless push of
technology
which no one is prepared to use
gadgets galore
etcetera.

Does the world change
or do we?
Hearts break everyday
et cetra

Listlessly I find more
courses
that I don't want to take
but I must
et cetra
My parents will,
of
course
scream et
cetera

I doesn't matter
somehow I'll live
et cetra
and I can get a job
et cetera
somewhere it doesn't really
et cetera...

What's more he doesn't mean what he says
et cetera
none of them do
and though I lie here
bloody and broken
etcetera
I dream of his lips
gentle hands going ... etcetera
and eyes
and tongue
and..
et
cet
era.

Against the watercolour sunrise
I wish I were there
lying between your thighs
walking - and taking - fine (white) lines
and rant into the dark night
with skin glowing like porcelain
and crazed manic wild eyes
It's nights like this I die for
on the days that follow
with drugs that leave life so empty and shallow
and only your full lips to save me.

I am so bizzarely impossibly lonely right now - and so insanely stupid. I just want to TALK to someone; anyone. Of course, no one calls; because I am avoiding doing work... because I want more than anything for the damn phone to ring.
Just do it - pick up the phone and call someone. You know over half your friends are awake. They're there, they're awake.... they probably aren't doing anything. Watching movies, TV, reading books (well maybe anyway), listening to a new CD, doing nothing.... they would talk to you. Pick up the phone. It's not difficult, the numbers are even already in there. You don't have to be drunk or need something to call someone; you can call just to say hello. They would probalby love the hear from you; even if you did nearly give them a heartattack by actually CALLING them. Call someone back - you said you would, you always say you will, but you never do.
Do It. Pick the phonea nd call someone - just to talk. It's easy, it's got to be easy. Everyone else does.
I can't. This is insane.