"You're the first girl I could even look in the eyes" he said ...
"You're so pretty ... you're so special" he said ...
Except no one meant any of it. Empty lines that I fall for time and time again - why? Do I really just need to be loved? Yes. Yes I guess I do but once upon a time I loved myself enough.

Once upon a time I was beautiful. God, I was goregous. Once upon a time I was smart. I was strong too, I didn't spend so much time alone with nothing but a razor blade. Once upon a time I could tell him to kiss my ass; because I'm worth so much more than that. I had self-respect and used it. Once upon a time I was going somewhere but these days the only way I'm going is down. Life used to be good...

now it's just there and I'm just a ragdoll. I let everyone use me... and there's a tiny part of me screaming this isn't true but the majority of me is saying it but I really do hate myself. I don't know why expect for the way I let him treat me... the things I let him do ... why I am so dependent on him I do'nt know.
Once upon a time I had him all figured out. I knew what he did and I stopped that shit. I wouldn't be another one, I wouldn't be walked all over, I wouldn't be made stupid ... or as my family would say (God, you know they love him ...) be put in my place. I wouldn't be one of his doormat's.

In order to be superior one must made the other inferior ... it has nothing to do with me ... and he can't just exist ... why do I let it be me?