I've had a lot of time to think recently - I'm not saying this has been entirely a good thing, but it's true. My favourite form of escapism didn't work as well, The Second Sex isn't exactly a novel and gender studies is definitely not taking my mind off things. But, I've come to the realisation: I WANT a relationship.

And maybe I'll stop having casual sex for awhile. Celibacy isn't so bad I suppose.

Eitherway, I want a relationship - a real relationship and completely unlike my last few.
I want to be taken care of by someone I take care of. I don't want to collect another kid, this one that may or may not be a kid and which I have sex with. I want someone I can worry and care about and take care of, but at the same time takes care of me and is there for me when I need someone.
I want someone who can read my mind. No, I'm kidding that's unrealistic... Okay, so I still want it just a little. I'd like the connection with someone to be strong enough where I don't have to say "hey! I'm pissed at you because ..." or I don't have to say "um, look not tonight I feel really down."
I want someone who understands, and preferably shares my lifestyle. I don't want someone to watch what I do disapprovingly (a few things are given as things I don't want them to completely approve - like the bulimia, but I also don't need a daddy/mommy). It's really hard to have relationships with someone who doesn't do anything artistic, is completely ... Well square or straight-peg, and be one of those artsy raver kids like me. I don't like that friction .... The please excuse who I am, no really I'm sorry it was wrong of me to do what I always do... I need someone who understands what an open relationship is - and who knows the rules, I come first. Open is open but there are rules and I want first of all warning, if it meets with my disapproval it's a no-go, and if I want you you're there. I of course expect the same of myself in regards to another person.
I don't want another puppy or daddy - or a rebound. I want an actual relationship; like one that could work, maybe not forever but not one with a fixed deadline either. I don't want a rebound, because I don't like hurting people.

I also realise, the few people I've toyed with the relationship idea with - well, I don't think they fit the bill. None of them are really boyfriend material. Maybe good fuck material, maybe great friend material, definitely nifty fun guys material ... But love? nah.

... I think I just want to fall in love again.