I'm going to forget you exist for the last time.
I'm setting Me free.
I'm going to forget you
and your damn blue eyes.
They won't look into mine.
I'm gonna forget your arms
and your kiss.
I'll tell myself I never wanted any of it.
I'm forgetting the "I love you"s
and every other promise to.
Tell myself that none of them were true.
I'm gonna forget you
- I Wish.

(I really wanted this to be a picture post - because I have some awesome things to take pictures of but no longer having a network that makes sense my webcam can't be let out and regardless has a cord that's no long enough to make it to my giant pile of candy in the other room since I am no longer shoving my entire life in one room.)

Just under a month ago I had one of the most surreal experiences of my life: standing on a balcony drink in hand, dancing, looking over at a jampacked dance floor and flashing lights listening to Scott Brown. Later in the chillout room taking care of a cute boy life was good - I do know better than to mix ecckies with G&Ts but couldn't resist either that night. All in all, it kept me from getting too drunk (and saying things I don't mean) or roll too hard (and saying things I do that I might not have wanted to actually say).
This was the beginning of the lost weeks in what promises to be a lost summer and I can't exactly imagine the consequences of this - it would probably mean I've got to come down sometime so I'd rather not.
Weekend A was spent with my couple in a little college town in Missouri. Now - assuredly it is NOT one of my favourite places to be however it wasn't half bad. The sex was good and well ... in this case that's all that matters. And they seem to still be on speaking terms with me which is good I suppose. Mmmm.. for sex with couples and rose oil! I feel special. I only wish I hadn't been in such a bad headspace.
Weekend B was spent ... well ... I don't remember that but I do know in between there was sex with the boy. Yes, kids I like him. I like him a lot. But no, he's a fucking idoit. This cannot go any further and despite that I like having sex with him I can't really allow myself to do that anymore. This is a sad, sad fact but like John said to be a learning experience I'll just have to suck it up and stop doing it because if I just let this keep going on nothing will change (why not I've made it comfortable for him to do it...)
Weekend C was spent alone and jellied. Not a great state of affairs ... alone, jellied, without a party, and spinning poi . Yeeeahhhhhh SLU Orgy was planned to take place. I didn't remember and by the time I did the jellies were well on their way to making sure my driving was further impaired.

Last night was tame but involved trying at least to have sex. It didn't go so well and again - I wish I weren't so depressed because then I'm sure it would have gone better. Maybe I'll try again tonight; or I'll stay home and wallow.

I am in desperate need of a run though. Not only am I getting fat there's pent up sexual energy that is making me crazy. That and I'm thinking too much.
I did apply for jobs (crappy jobs but jobs nonetheless).

I've had a lot of time to think recently - I'm not saying this has been entirely a good thing, but it's true. My favourite form of escapism didn't work as well, The Second Sex isn't exactly a novel and gender studies is definitely not taking my mind off things. But, I've come to the realisation: I WANT a relationship.

And maybe I'll stop having casual sex for awhile. Celibacy isn't so bad I suppose.

Eitherway, I want a relationship - a real relationship and completely unlike my last few.
I want to be taken care of by someone I take care of. I don't want to collect another kid, this one that may or may not be a kid and which I have sex with. I want someone I can worry and care about and take care of, but at the same time takes care of me and is there for me when I need someone.
I want someone who can read my mind. No, I'm kidding that's unrealistic... Okay, so I still want it just a little. I'd like the connection with someone to be strong enough where I don't have to say "hey! I'm pissed at you because ..." or I don't have to say "um, look not tonight I feel really down."
I want someone who understands, and preferably shares my lifestyle. I don't want someone to watch what I do disapprovingly (a few things are given as things I don't want them to completely approve - like the bulimia, but I also don't need a daddy/mommy). It's really hard to have relationships with someone who doesn't do anything artistic, is completely ... Well square or straight-peg, and be one of those artsy raver kids like me. I don't like that friction .... The please excuse who I am, no really I'm sorry it was wrong of me to do what I always do... I need someone who understands what an open relationship is - and who knows the rules, I come first. Open is open but there are rules and I want first of all warning, if it meets with my disapproval it's a no-go, and if I want you you're there. I of course expect the same of myself in regards to another person.
I don't want another puppy or daddy - or a rebound. I want an actual relationship; like one that could work, maybe not forever but not one with a fixed deadline either. I don't want a rebound, because I don't like hurting people.

I also realise, the few people I've toyed with the relationship idea with - well, I don't think they fit the bill. None of them are really boyfriend material. Maybe good fuck material, maybe great friend material, definitely nifty fun guys material ... But love? nah.

... I think I just want to fall in love again.

I am so up and down recently - it scares even me. One day life is good, the next I want to lie in bed and cry. I'd by lying if I said I didn't know why or what triggers these things but at the same time I don't know what to do about it. The solutions I do come up with only present more problems - and the same ones over and over. I have no fucking clue what to do.

Jesus I just feel like dying - but I lack the energy to actually do anything about that as well so either way I'm fucked.

I want him to love me - I want him just to care and he won't and doesn't and ... ugh.

but I did write this today

I hate morning afters
heavy limbed
and slow aches
- empty, tragicly hollow
embarassed at my nakedness.
Mornings after amazing nights,
which pale in comparison
to the memories - or nonmemories - left over.
I hate mornings after.

Father forgive me,
for the black leather
of the bucket seats -
especially, the front seat
hot summer nights when I was just 16.
For the white leather sofa
and the tacky bad taste
but how I loved the feel of it against my skin.
forgive the late nights,
torso to torso grinding to find something
that was never there
and the morning showers
and the back alleys where skirts were lifted, up against the cold brick wall
the pleasure from leather slapped against delicate skin.
Most of all father,
forgive me for the black leather.

You'll say you understand, but you don't understand.
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will
Disprove your faith in man
I've been careless with a delicate man
I was having a sweet fix
of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality I knew,
was a hopeless to be had.
All the advice I shunned, and I ran
Where they told me not to run, but I sure
Had fun, so
I'm gonna fuck it up again
I thought he was a man
But he was just a little boy
So why did I kiss him so hard late last friday night
And keep on letting him change all my plans ?
I require protection from my own obsession
I've acquired quite a taste
For a well-made mistake
hunger hurts,
but starving works
When it costs too much to love
I need you like a drug
when I'm gone like yesterday
when I'm high like heaven
when I'm strong like music
and I want him so bad, oh it kills
Cuz I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I understand what I am still too proud to mention...to you
And I went crazy again today,
I got to fold cuz these hands are
too shaky to hold
I know tomorrow brings the consequence at hand
But I keep livin' this day
Like the next will never come
If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it the road just rolls out behind me.

So Dave found someone new. He's over me. It's good... it's great... I'm relieved I don't feel awful. Okay, my ego is a little bruised but I think I'm a bigger person than that cause on one hand I want to be hurt like "who could replace me?!" ... then again ...
I'm so terribly happy for him. I think my mellow is coming back. This is unreal. I wish I were there to hug him and tell him I love him and I'm so happy for him...
This shit is unreal.