Baby, the Stars Shine Brite
The secret life of a girl.the strange confessions and dirty little secrets of a girl.
19.11.05
I am drifting in
I want this and I want that
but I miss her
I miss her shimmering soul in my view
The depression is eating me alive
and all I can do is lie here in my dreams.
She shimmers in my dreams
all opium smoke and glitter eyeliner
a combination of memory and remembered fantasy
of pebble beaches and Agean Sea
Blue skies and ocean wind
Aqua and Radiohead and fast cars and manic all night
gorgeous lips and firm hips against mine
soft hair, dark hair, deep eyes against the pale, pale skin
You can never get enough of this stuff.
I want this and I want that
but I miss her
I miss her shimmering soul in my view
The depression is eating me alive
and all I can do is lie here in my dreams.
She shimmers in my dreams
all opium smoke and glitter eyeliner
a combination of memory and remembered fantasy
of pebble beaches and Agean Sea
Blue skies and ocean wind
Aqua and Radiohead and fast cars and manic all night
gorgeous lips and firm hips against mine
soft hair, dark hair, deep eyes against the pale, pale skin
You can never get enough of this stuff.
18.11.05
Rock Softly, Can't Nobody Compete. Rock Steady ...
Some records, albums, tracks ... The first time you hear them stirs a feeling in you that you may never feel again. Sometimes, you get that feeling after listening to a record years later. While going through a collection of old mp3s I had stored somewhere trying to find some good techno for my ipod, I found Spree's Summer Athems of 2003.
I of course, didn't notice this, it just loaded itself onto the ipod and just snuck up on me. That and every memory it brought back.
I was young and being stupid, or not so stupid in retrospect ... Just trying to do something psuedonormal for once and be a teenager. (Forgive me, I wanted to be able to have the freedom to act my age not five to ten years older.) I was dating M. It was all right I guess. We were just entering our senior year of high school ... Well, okay, I was and a few of my friends were. M. Had graduated in 2002. It was a summer of party after party, crazy nights, dancing, hockey games, and all of that silliness that kids in the Midwest get up to on hot summer nights in cities where there's nothing much for them to do.
Who knows, maybe I even met J sometimes this summer. Probably before that but there were a huge amount of parties this summer.
But really this mix was in my CD player constantly. Pre-party, after-party, at work, and probably while sleeping. Sleeping curled up with him in the field sneaking in before dawn. Sleeping in tents at an outdoor weekend party, sleeping in the car on long road trips, sleeping on his sofa .... Dancing around the house, poolside blowjobs and bent over the living room sofa while no one's home....
Angel, can you feel the sunshine ... Do you feel this way? Do you feel this way? Do you feel this way? Do you feel this way?
Last weekend another boy's hands running over my face, my swollen chest, my belly, grasping my waist, my legs wrapped around him breathing deeply in ecstasy. Did he feel that way? Does he feel that way?
I loved him then. I love him now. But will I love him tomorrow? Will I love him when the party's over? Will I love him when the madness stops when the drugs are gone and the money's spent and the music has ceased playing? When we're not shining, not singing, not touching, no longer breathing each other in?
When does the infatuation stop and anything real begin? Do I have anything deeper or more real to give? Or am I just lip gloss, glitter, flashing lights, bright colours, and starry eyes?
I feel you, I want you, I know your touch is all I need... I'm waiting... You're shining ...
Some records, albums, tracks ... The first time you hear them stirs a feeling in you that you may never feel again. Sometimes, you get that feeling after listening to a record years later. While going through a collection of old mp3s I had stored somewhere trying to find some good techno for my ipod, I found Spree's Summer Athems of 2003.
I of course, didn't notice this, it just loaded itself onto the ipod and just snuck up on me. That and every memory it brought back.
I was young and being stupid, or not so stupid in retrospect ... Just trying to do something psuedonormal for once and be a teenager. (Forgive me, I wanted to be able to have the freedom to act my age not five to ten years older.) I was dating M. It was all right I guess. We were just entering our senior year of high school ... Well, okay, I was and a few of my friends were. M. Had graduated in 2002. It was a summer of party after party, crazy nights, dancing, hockey games, and all of that silliness that kids in the Midwest get up to on hot summer nights in cities where there's nothing much for them to do.
Who knows, maybe I even met J sometimes this summer. Probably before that but there were a huge amount of parties this summer.
But really this mix was in my CD player constantly. Pre-party, after-party, at work, and probably while sleeping. Sleeping curled up with him in the field sneaking in before dawn. Sleeping in tents at an outdoor weekend party, sleeping in the car on long road trips, sleeping on his sofa .... Dancing around the house, poolside blowjobs and bent over the living room sofa while no one's home....
Angel, can you feel the sunshine ... Do you feel this way? Do you feel this way? Do you feel this way? Do you feel this way?
Last weekend another boy's hands running over my face, my swollen chest, my belly, grasping my waist, my legs wrapped around him breathing deeply in ecstasy. Did he feel that way? Does he feel that way?
I loved him then. I love him now. But will I love him tomorrow? Will I love him when the party's over? Will I love him when the madness stops when the drugs are gone and the money's spent and the music has ceased playing? When we're not shining, not singing, not touching, no longer breathing each other in?
When does the infatuation stop and anything real begin? Do I have anything deeper or more real to give? Or am I just lip gloss, glitter, flashing lights, bright colours, and starry eyes?
I feel you, I want you, I know your touch is all I need... I'm waiting... You're shining ...
10.11.05
I am SO melodramatic sometimes .... Something I suppose I ought to work on getting over. I realize though when I'm being over-sensitive. I also realize I often discredit myself when I am not being over-sensitive (as I generally refrain from crying and screaming and carrying on over nothing and having a fit and expecting others to accommodate my silly demands); but rather am trying to pretend that I do not have feelings - and thus, this "petty" problem should not get to me. It is petty and dumb and really not a big deal but I shouldn't discredit the validity that it stings.
But really it makes me face the fact that I have nothing particularly here at the moment - aside from school. As I am not being challenged or particularly interested in the school, it might serve my best interests to go elsewhere.
I should apply to be somewhere else - because there is absolutely no reason for me to be here. Except that boy - and I really ought to refrain from doing that sort of thing again. It's probable he could come with me and if he actually loves me he will and he doesn't he won't and I'll be fine.
So now that I've decided to leave and start over ... Where should I go?
But really it makes me face the fact that I have nothing particularly here at the moment - aside from school. As I am not being challenged or particularly interested in the school, it might serve my best interests to go elsewhere.
I should apply to be somewhere else - because there is absolutely no reason for me to be here. Except that boy - and I really ought to refrain from doing that sort of thing again. It's probable he could come with me and if he actually loves me he will and he doesn't he won't and I'll be fine.
So now that I've decided to leave and start over ... Where should I go?
