I often do things that I really ought not do. Things that really ought to offend someone ... like getting too drunk too early. Or being unabashedly sexual. Kissing boys in front of my grandma, skirts flying up as I cross the street or just a little too honest of an answer slips out of my mouth.
I'm forever doing something that really I ought not to do ... making up for it with a tiny smile and the gloss of youth.

Really, I'm just being organic. I really should stop .... I should really put more effort into making like more liner....

I have - and have always had - the kind of body that makes men want to make babies. I have always feared ending up a description of one of the women in Vonnegut's Slaugherhouse-Five:
"She was a dull person, but a sensational invitation to make babies. Men looked at her and wanted to fill her up with babies right away. She hadn't even had one baby yet. She used birth control." (218)
All the toning and running and weight lifting and dancing doesn't matter. From the delicate curve in the arch of my foot, to the gentle curve of my calves, to the blossoming of my thighs and hips, to the soft babyfat belly, to the inward curve of my waist, to the perfect pear shaped tits, to the supple fullness of my lips .... 50 or 60 years ago I would have been a goddess; today I'm lucky to get a second glance from anyone who doesn't want a mother and a trophy wife. Despite my favouring description I absolutely hate and am disgusted by my prefect specimen of a female body ... Well perfect in appearance as far as proportions go as it doesn't work all that well.
I hate voluptuous, womanly bodies. I like sticks, I like bones, I like the delicate airy beauty of emaciation. I like the conudrum of such great strength wrapped in such a delicate wrapper. To starve and be strong is also to make yourself weak. I love the translucent pale skin, I love the extra brightness of the manic in the eyes. I am absolutely obsessed with collar bones and hip bones, and delicate boney hands. I want a body that oozes grace .... Not a body that speaks of earthy goodness and with it's overabundance of soft flesh inviting everyone to possess it and fill it with babies.
It's fall - it's time to starve. Two years ago around this time I stopped eating ... And now I have no idea how such a feat was managed. I wish to Christ I could manage it again ... But I suspect I can't. I haven't hardcore fasted in two years. Around this time last year I was eating marginally and this year at the instance of a silly boy I eat. Regularly. Like daily even. Because he's perfectly okay (as suprising as this is to him) with having the desire to and filling me up with babies.

I really should lose thirty pounds. I really should be more motivated. I really should be more honest with him - when not on drugs. I really should tell him how I feel. I really should figure out what I want. I really should break up with him. I really should stop with this eating bullshit. I really should have been more careful with money. I really should go to the UK for $500. I really should stop taking care of people. I really should make up with my parents. I really should come to terms with the fact that my parents don't like me. I really should stop seeking parental approval. I really should love myself. I really should stop looking for love in all the wrong places. I really should call the doctor. I really should pick up my next round of birth control. I really should stop with the E. I really should stop being so self destructive. I really shouldn't have taken my SLU kids out with me last weekend. I really should call Jon more. I really should start seeing a therapist. I really should do the washing. I really should be more respectable. I really should establish a better self image. I really should cultivate a more responsible reputation. I really should drink more water. I really should stop drinking soda. I really should clean up this room. I really should have gotten a job this summer. I really should have been less honest with my family. I really should call Charlie and see what's up. I really should try to talk to Benno and see if he's actually avoiding me. I really should stop being honest about my drug use. I really should pierce my naval. I really should buy some new jeans. I really should wear that new dress. I really should wear more makeup. I really should get some new UFO pants. I really should start modeling. I really should colour my hair. I really should find myself. I really should just gel and make some friends - without the aid of ecstasy. I really should make some new friends. I really should stop going home to my parents place. I really should start working on stuff for my gallery show. I really should fix this keyboard. I really should not have taken so many hours at work. I really should stand up for myself more often. I really should be less shy. I really should be more assertive. I really should work on appearing as intelligent as I actually am. I really should stop caring what other people think. I really should have more confidence. I really should expand my horizons. I really should expand my mind. I really should reach transcendence. I really should expand my conciousness. I really should try more drugs. I really should have told her I was in love with her. I really should get over my fear of oral sex. I really should pay more attention to my dog. I really should spend more time with my little cousin and be there for her. I really should not let people use me. I really should stop with the cutting. I really should be more honest with myself. I really should learn that it's okay to want. I really should start coping. I really should be less selfish. I really should be more selfish. I really should get more sleep. I really should exercise more. I really should dance. I really should work on my dancing. I really should spend more time working on my writing. I really should write more. I really should build up my music collection. I really should get an ipod. I really should learn a new skill. I really should find another hobby. I really should start working harder on throwing parties. I really should figure out where all my friends went. I really should work hard this semester. I really should make a move on Rick. I really should do something for J for our anniversary. I really should have been nicer to my father. I really should have called my grandmother. I really should work on my girl complexes. I really should get some new facial cleanser. I really should care more about my appearance. I really should be more considerate of my roommate. I really should cry. I really should talk to the guy who forced me into sexual acts. I really should have told my parents about that. I really should have told my parents a lot of things. I really should stop being so proud. I really should stop making myself numb. I really should go to the NIN concert. I really should let myself fall in love again. I really should stop caring about Dave. I really should go through a list of people I consider friends and hang out with them more. I really should not be so sensative. I really should work on exactly what it is I believe. I really should travel more. I really should drink more. I really should take more photos. I really should stop procrastinating. I really should spend more time with my brother - even though it upsets my parents. I really should let him know it's okay if he's gay. I really should try to get myself a close circle again. I really should stop being so dependent on others to take care of me. I really should do my homework. I really should buy my books. I really should stop sitting and crying about it when things go wrong instead of fixing them. I really should take a nap.