So I finally go up to Slacker's and fed my music habit. I have to say I'm pretty impressed with The Libertines' The Libertines. (Do you italise album titles? I should know being an English major I guess ...)

Standout tracks in my opinion:
"Can't Stand Me Now" ... maybe my last realtionship? Well actual realtionship (3 weeks does not constitue realtionship!) Complete with "I can't take you anywhere ... can't take you anywhere"
"The Man Who Would Be King" ... so good it even pulls of a refrain of la la la-la-la-laa la la la-la-la-laa without being cliche and uncreative.
"Music When the Lights Go Out" ... it reminds me of Primal Scream in the "Cry Myself Blind"-ness but I still really like it... again, story of my last realtionship.
"What Katie Did" ... I dunno what it reminds me of but it's a really great song.

Overall the album isn't as strong as I think it could be but I really like it ... and yes, I am very late in getting it but ... remember, I was saving my money to be a responsbile adult and get married and shit ... and well ... now I'm not ...
Also bought a DJ compliation album. Very nice ... DJ Spooky, DJ Tricky ... and some others. Replaced my copy of Fiona Apple's Tidal since it was under $10 as well.

The next major purchase will be a new haircut... complete with highlights (and lowlights)

St. Louis Pridefest isn't much to write home about - it's really just more of a bunch of booths and some bands ... and drum n bass (this is afterall St. Louis). However, I can honestly say thanks to my experience at this year's Pride that it's not just me that has the problem of picking up some losers!
Now - this was really the kid's doing. I'm not sure what Lou was thinking taking the kid out in a pink fishnet half shirt and bondage pants to Pridefest. He's too young to go to this - nevermind in an outfit like that. I realise he looks 17 but he's 15. Yes, that's right, 15. Jailbait. A meatmarket like Pride is not an event to take a 15 year old to under ANY circumstances nevermind dressed like that. Regardless, the kid picked up crack addicts. No, I'm NOT kidding.

So - a very nerve racking night ensued in which for the first time ever I was thanking the gods that my job requires me to be pert and alert at noon and I'm getting old and need recovery time when THC is involved. It all started when the kid rode with the crackhead. Then they went to his house and hung out until the wee hours.
I retreated to my room for a nice shower and night of blissful sleep.

"You're the first girl I could even look in the eyes" he said ...
"You're so pretty ... you're so special" he said ...
Except no one meant any of it. Empty lines that I fall for time and time again - why? Do I really just need to be loved? Yes. Yes I guess I do but once upon a time I loved myself enough.

Once upon a time I was beautiful. God, I was goregous. Once upon a time I was smart. I was strong too, I didn't spend so much time alone with nothing but a razor blade. Once upon a time I could tell him to kiss my ass; because I'm worth so much more than that. I had self-respect and used it. Once upon a time I was going somewhere but these days the only way I'm going is down. Life used to be good...

now it's just there and I'm just a ragdoll. I let everyone use me... and there's a tiny part of me screaming this isn't true but the majority of me is saying it but I really do hate myself. I don't know why expect for the way I let him treat me... the things I let him do ... why I am so dependent on him I do'nt know.
Once upon a time I had him all figured out. I knew what he did and I stopped that shit. I wouldn't be another one, I wouldn't be walked all over, I wouldn't be made stupid ... or as my family would say (God, you know they love him ...) be put in my place. I wouldn't be one of his doormat's.

In order to be superior one must made the other inferior ... it has nothing to do with me ... and he can't just exist ... why do I let it be me?

Walking thru the shadows
with moonlight in her hair
crying over names of ones who were never there
searching for streets long lost
drowning in her own thoughts
she used to dream of romance;
now she walks alone dreaming of something to call her own
in a world where forever is just right now
and nothing ever lasts
nothing seems more comfortable than getting lost in the past.

When I'm rollin' my eyes are abso-fucking-beautiful. I love people's eyes when they're rollin' ... I don't know what it is about dilated pupils that makes me melt but there's something. I love it when everything's beautiful and everyone's beautiful ... I love it when I see other people glow. I love the glow ... it's almost like everything becomes otherworldly.
I am so happy that life is beautiful - it's sad that sometimes it takes someone to kick me in butt or a pill for me to see it but I'd rather it be that way than never at all.

♥

I remember a few years ago basking in the sun in Greece ... On the pebble beach and the turqoise water. I can't help but wonder ... how did that girl get here? Sunburned, lying on a pool deck in the midwest, half asleep - but not even hungover from the night before.
I've really been giving serious thought to next summer - and my study abroad. First of all, next summer or the summer after will be time for Semester at Sea. Second of all, where do I want to go? London? Yes, I suppose there's no reason not to do London. I'd like to do France but the problem with that is it's a full year program. I think I have to take the entire year ... There's also the Netherlands but I'm not sure I'm actually able to go into that program.

I ache for Greek Islands - I ache for the clubs of Mykonos, the beautiful Rhodes, the mystical Crete, the quiet and gentle Patmos ...