I've purged so much today. I thought I did so well this weekend...
fasting, pills. Then I find out I"ve gained four pounds back and felt
like shit. Not to mention my finance and I are completely falling apart
over the stupidest shit in the world. That only leads me to binge more
and then I purge more and it's just a cunundrom. I'm going to run tomororw.
Hopefully I can run for a hella long time. My goal is to do sprints until I throw
up. Which makes me realise I'm really fucked up at this point.
Also, I've done lots of crap this weekend. I blame some of the weight from
slowing down my metabolism last night at a concert. Radiohead kick ass live
by the way! But the guys in front of me were toking up, and weed slows down
the metabolism ugh. However, I'm sure all that second hand smoke helped me
to sleep though it usually gets me hyper as hell. The worst bit is I did some X.
(I thought after a weekend like that I deserved it.) The weed completely
ruined it though. Oh well. Dancing you'd think I'd burn off some calories but
I guess not. Oh well.
I had pizza earlier. God I'm a pig. PUking doesn't help take that disgusted,
fat feeling away. Also, my insides feel greasy.

I've lost so far about six pounds. Hurrah. I think I was just seeing things
but I could have swore when I woke up this morning I could see my cheekbones;
sorta. Anyway:
I did really well overall until the yesterday and today. Oh well you know.
Lots of walking too. That's good right? I thought so.
I've been speeding off my ass all week though. I went to the damn doctors to
get a referal to get my knee looked at and a physical and my pusle was "fast."
I had taken pills that morning. Opps. Oh well.
Not a whole lot ot say, minimal purging and minimal binging. Lots of pills though
I suppose that's not good. Ah well.
My weight goal is to be 150 by Septemeber. I'm uber close so it will make me
feel good to reach my goal early. I want to be 140 by October. By Novemeber
however I just hope to be 135. I usually have a hard time getting past that. I'm
guessing my natural "healthy" body weight is there. I'm a chuncky 135 though.
Usually it really bothers me but I could definately deal with 135 right about now.
By December I'm hoping for 130. I'll try to keep it there for awhile. Ultimately
my goal is 120. Realistically, I'll make 125. The extra 5 lbs is for cushion. Really,
I'd love to get it to be 15-10 lbs of cushion to fall back on but I'm not going to
push it. I do want to be healthy. I want to be able to have babies sooo...
In effort to be healthy, I'm going to get vitamins as soon as I can. Preferably
some with calcium.

I had an uber bad week binging and stuff.
Friday
Okay, so I basically binged/purged all day. First I dunno what I had for
breakfastbut I went running for ages until I threw up.
Then I threw up some more.
Later I ended up binging big stylee and purged a little more. But
I couldn't get it all up; so I too Ipecac. This stuff is the DEVIL. I shit you
not. I don't know why I took I probably really didn't need it. (I do NOT
encourage or condone purging; but if you're gonna do it don't use this. Why
would you want to anyway though; it ruins your pretty teeth.) I think it's
just because I was kinda panicked and desperate. Anyway; take the stuff.
Gagging for HOURS. Sweaty, sick, it's like food poisoning times 100 all at once.
Keep throwing up, it went on for like ever; long after everything was gone.
It is the devil. 'nuff said on that. Ended up feeling SO uber bad after when
people came by I looked like death warmed over. They got all concered, people
I was talking to were like "What's wrong?" and I started crying cause I felt so
awful (in all ways and respects of the word) and told some people what happened.
The result: a helluva lot of people lecturing me and stuff. It was a stupid girl
moment. Now i have to avoid them all for ages until they forget or just deny it.
Talked to a friend for hours while getting uber drunk to feel better about binging,
purging, and well getting yelled at. I have no idea what I told him, but he was
sweet and kind and stuff. Totally afraid to talk to him now and hella embarassed
though he says I shouldn't be. I am. I should be. That's just it. Not his issues
to deal with.
Saturday
Not a lot here. Threw up some more from hang over. Didn't feel uber well.
Headache lasted allllllllllllllll day. Couldn't sleep so I took some sleeping pills.
Nada here
Binged once. Purged a little while afterwards. Do NOT drink Coke when you are
going to purge. It burns like the devil!

Random sins in the past week... everyday everything you can think of:
pizza
cookies
cheese
coke (oh my god so much coke!)

Redemption: sort of took a walk.
Was more active doing stuff with friends and just generally getting
off my lazy arse.
Going to exercise as soon as I finish this
Got my teeth cleaned today so intake was fairly low
Diet pills still going strong; even though it says
not to have caffine with them.. I get odd pains sometimes.

Maybe dieting will be easier when I have classes to go to.