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Baby, the Stars Shine Brite

The secret life of a girl.the strange confessions and dirty little secrets of a girl.

We'll always be together

I have a million things to do before spring break starts tomorrow - and my spring break will be spent in the library doing projects BUT...

All I can think about is Hulla!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

posted by Tragic the Pixie @ 3/08/2007 04:17:00 PM

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Getting to the Bottom of Pro-Ana 
While websites do not have the ability to screen who sees them and uses them much of the debate seems to revolve around pro-ana communities namely on LiveJournal. However, most participants in these communities tend to back away from those they know are not actually already suffering from an eating disoreder (refered to from now on as ED). Time and time again - there is a pretty elitest attitude among these communities. There is support to reduce the harm you are *already* doing to your body. Even if it is something as seemingly stupid as recommending a toothbrush on a string if you are purging with a toothbrush.
It may not be the kind of support those outside think these girls (some young men particpate, but it is mostly young women) need but that doesn’t make it not support. Support has to do with validation and recognition of an inidvidual’s personhood. Support has to do with maintaining and holding up a person, idea, or behavior - which pro-ana communities do.
Support is there in harm reduction as well as validation. Unfortuantely, a lot of girls in pro-ana communities feel like they can only control their bodies and food intake. Many are young women living at home with their parents who are unfortunately correct in assuming they can *only* control their bodies and food. The emphasis on hiding things from parents (or sometimes boyfriends) I think supports this statement. I think the real issue here is that the communities are the only place they are validated as people - even if in stupid and very dangerous ways.

Much of eating disorders are at their roots control issues. As an eating disordered person I *do* think it plays a HUGE role. More so than brain chemistry (which can be altered and the behaviours still persist), more so than a fashion industry in which a girl may or may not be interested…
But I think a root cause of eating disorders in the US (and Japan) and one which the communities address is this issue of control and oppression inherent in the ways American parents parent. Espeically true when it comes to daughters I think but more and more being the general over-protective-hyper-paranoid overbearing controling “norm” for how Americans parent. I really think as a culture we are simply loving and guiding our children to death: and pro-ana communities provide possibly the only affirmation that these girls are indeed individuals and support choices that are made: but the only actual choices are suddenly about food. he teenage years at all, and far more introspective and academic than is healthy - I do not think you can validate someone as a person if you do not *support* or at the least accept their choices: even when you know those choices to be absurd. There are “polite” ways of talking about those you love’s choices you don’t agree with - but very few families operate in this manner at all and even less operate so when the child in question is still seen as a “child.” No one, after all, can MAKE you eat. One way to combat this in culture would be to more accepting of our children's choices and less controling.
ED commitunites come into play because only if the behavoir becomes validated can one begin to make other possibly healthy choices or make choices at all. Using the choice of food individuals can learn that they CAN make choices and no one can MAKE a person do anything - including parents and boyfriends. If the person never learns how to enforce their choices - which they do in ED communities if they learn nothing else - there can’t be any hope of recovery at all.

As for the harm reduction that goes on in these communities, this aspect is important. A lot of emphasis is placed on hiding behaviors to parents as harm reduction. Even without this emphasis and these tips an ED happens to be very private in general. Most girls won't be discovered without them but they provide a safe barrier. Other consequences are generally more disaterous however such as death due to heart attacks. With little chance of discovery in general, harm reduction plays a large role in these communities for a reason. Without this kind of support many more young women would seriously harm themselves and it would result in death.

posted by Tragic the Pixie @ 2/25/2007 06:11:00 PM

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What Four Years at a Catholic University Has Taught Me 
As a freshman at a progressive jesuit university, I had considered returning to my Catholic roots. Let me explain, my *father's* Catholic roots, as my mother would not actually allow us to join the Catholic Church. She instead prefered an anglican-German reformed church. I did NOT have a remotely good experience with this church, but nonetheless, that's another post! So, my dad continued to desire to be Catholic and the majority of my friends growing up were Catholic, by default culturally I was Catholic. My mother's church, due to personal reasons, was somewhere I postively loathed, and I wasn't allowed to be a practicing Catholic like all my friends. With the onset of puberity and my newfound freedom with unrestricted access to the internet, at the age of 11 I began practicing paganism. However, being young and without transportation, and probably more influenced by my parents' horror than I care to admit to myself: I quit practining *any* religion of any sort (also to their hororr). Upon entering university I hoped to find a community and the obvious source was the Church. I did my research, I liked how Catholicism worked in regard to Christianity. I respect the logical, systematic approach to theology that the Catholic Church gives, in the process and ideologically it's very fair.

However, after nearly four years at this lovely university, I have given much thought to my intial longing. While I admit I do wish to have a community, one which people in the United States usually gain through religious affliation, unfortunatly it will not be the Catholic Church.
The first two years of my university life were fairly liberal in their bias and my theology classes served me well. However, being stuck in a conservative midwestern city, with a conservative archbisop it was only a matter of time before the silencing trickeled down into my university - and shown me what I consider the reality of the Chruch.
First - the Rainbow Alliance during the 2004 election was denyed the right to state our opinions about gay marriage: which we did anyway and pointed out we were NOT allowed to say this. This fall, a student memeber of our organization was harrassed by a faculty member in the student center during Coming Out Week while sitting at our table quitely handing out information. The safe-zone program with sensativity training for all student life and housing staff began when I was a freshman has never been in action; why residence life still tells incoming freshman it's there is a mystery to me.
The Cardinal Newman Society has succedded in spreading it's vial hatred and propaganada and the Vagina Monolouges was not preformed on campus this year - but it WAS preformed despite it all and I'm happy to say student activity money did indeed go to transporting students for free in vans to and from the performance. As student governement money went to pay for both a space to hold the preformance as well as transportation - and both nights sold out, a pure $7,000 was made to donate to the charities. Una, the feminist organization on campus, still faces discrimination by the university overall - as does the Rainbow Alliance.
The current Pope, while he may be a good philosopher and theologian has a stance that I cannot forgive on sexuality and Catholic tradition.
The Catholic Church itself, has been responsible for thousands of deaths of AIDS in Africa for responding to the HIV crisis with too little too late only recently making condoms "okay" for married couples with HIV to use during intercourse.
The Church oppresses people in third world countries constantly with their anti-birth control policies; large familes keep these countries in poverty but this benefits the church because it allows them control of more people.
At my university, I can count on both hands the number of female professors - and I am sure I know all but a few. This is NOT something my university feels it is necessary to change.
To top it all off, I experiences first hand the bougouris sexism and classism that is practiced by the Chruch officals and Brothers in this university and city. When I brought this problem to a factulty member I was simply told there was no problem with them: but it was my own lack of good Catholic faith that was my problem.

To top it all off - DESPITE being pro-life, this university has YET to have acutal help for students with children in the way of daycare on campus. However, they monthly organize protests outside Planned Parenthood.
Adding insult to injury here, my freshman year I was offered a pamphlet on how to avoid pregnancy - which turned out in reality to be about preventing fetal alcohol syndrome and the adivce this pamphlet gave? Of course - you're female, so you should not drink because you MAY become pregnate.

... I cannot say I would put my soul in the hands of this organization after seeing all of this - which I think is sad, because I have to admit I was almost hopeful. I do think it's rather disgraceful these days how this particular branch of the church parades piety and holiness around and cannot manage to step up to the plate within local affairs within it's own university: I guess this is why they focus so much on The School of Americas and Latin America - afterall, if you distract people they won't notice what happens here at home.

posted by Tragic the Pixie @ 2/15/2007 10:46:00 PM

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Anna Nicole as Cultural Icon 
Anna Nicole Smith died today at the age of 39 of mysterious causes. (for full story see article) Anna Nicole Smith was the new spokesperson for a diet pill - and I fully believe she was a long time user of this drug. That being said, I am not in any way surprised by her untimely death.****** So, instead of my regularly planned (and oh yes, dear nonexistent readers, I did plan!) posts I'm going to improvise on this... because I can always bitch about something in my life, one shouldn't let news worthy of pop cultural analysis like this pass by!

I have to say: Anna was indeed an icon. For those not familiar with her work she was probably best known as a gold digger America loves to hate. However, in reality I have to say I do NOT think she was merely a gold digger. Anna Nicole was also an accomplished model who did work for Guess, Playboy (1993 Playmate of the Year), and starred in her own reailty TV show. On top of all these things, she was also a mother: her son Daniel died last year and her daughter was born.

As anyone can see there are some interesting things about Anna from this clip.
First and foremost, she's gorgeous. I have to admit, she was beautiful. Second and importantly, she is a *real* woman. Maybe not realistic, let's face it - her boobs are completely fake but compared to today's models, it's important to recognize the healthy amount of meat on Anna's bones even at the very height of her modeling career with Guess. Anna made her struggle to reach a 90's standard of model thin (significantly larger than model standards today) no secret. Her drug and alcohol problems along with other mental issues were no secret and I think she should be admired for having the courage to speak out on these subjects. Years ago, when the beauty standard was less unattainable than today, Anna Nicole spoke out about it's outrageous standard. Perhaps in a failing of feminism, or feminist consciousness, society did not hear her. We all laughed at her. We all made her "fat ass" (which incidentally, did get MUCH bigger I admit but one can only imagine what could have become of such a lovely woman had she not depended on drugs and anorexia both of which set the body up for becoming much larger once they are ended) the butt of our jokes.
Later she was villianized for her marriage to an oil tycoon millionaire and fighting to get money after his death. I don't think she was an intelligent woman - since I realize right away if she had sold the estate he left her she could have easily made more than satisfactory amounts of money. What's truly tragic about the story of her second marriage is this: the only possible way for Anna to get out of poverty and give herself and her son a good life (which is after all the American dream) was to marry Howard J. One ought not to be appalled at the fact that she would possibly marry for money but by the fact that in some cases marrying for money is the BEST thing a person can do. Let me make that more clear: for poverty stricken WOMEN, the best and absolute most they can do is to get breast implants and dance topless in a dimly lit strip club and the MOST they can hope for is to be noticed and taken care of by a rich or well off man. Possibly, one day to marry a man with a mountain of money. This becomes the only way they'll ever be living a middle-class lifestyle. That's the tragedy - that and the name calling over it later.

Anna Nicole may have been born white trash - but she made sure her son was not raised to be and her daughter was not born to such a life; in fact, maybe there is a happy ending in that maybe by the time Anna's daughter reaches her 30's she won't have to take her clothes off for money: maybe NO women in America will. Maybe while we're at is she won't die a mysterious death at 30-something from years of substance abuse in the name of beauty.

****** DISCLAIMER: I am in no way affiliated with Trimspa, nor do I mean to implicate Trimspa in her death. The actual effects of use of this drug remain unknown to me: however throughout her career Anna Nicole Smith used many substances, not the least of which cocaine, to control her weight: Trimspa being just one in a long list of substances. My point was simply that I truly believe her long history of diet pill, cocaine, and amphetamine use LARGELY contributed to her early death - but not necessarily Trimspa.

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posted by Tragic the Pixie @ 2/08/2007 08:13:00 PM

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Psycho Therapy, Psycho Therapy! 
So another new not - really that intellectual post goal (mostly just to get me in the habit of posting):
Monthly goals. I have them, I think putting them on the blog might help me actually do them so
Stop breaking my nails and grow them out enough to get a manicure by Valentines Day.

Otherwise - New semester, new stress, new job.

I *hate* psych. majors though. Psych. majors are by far the stupidest group of students I've met overall. In a class on the psychology of oppression (of which there is no such thing, but looking at the effects of oppression I guess.) However, I've heard a number of stupid things but what irks me most:
- a lack of understanding of Foucault and his model of power and how it works: integral to understanding and dealing with oppression I think. It works like this, power is an intangible idea/action/thing passed from one person or group to another person or group in varying degrees. No one is powerless in that they are without power, but people have varying degrees of power. For the most part in the United States white, heterosexual, males have the most power leaving the rest of the population with varying degrees of less power than them. Power works on the unconscious level along with bias that creates power inequities: so just because someone believes people are equally entitled to something does not mean they won't be biased towards the white male since that is the cultural bias. Now here's where it gets tricky: People have the Power to change society; this takes individual action *but* (and this is a big but kids...) one has to be able to understand how Power works and Oppression in the first place otherwise the changes will just change how the oppression is practiced and then it morphs into something new - like a chameleon. Power operates at the unconscious level by symbols throughout our world - symbols like words and ceremonies.

Second: women are NOT a Class. A group yes, but no - women don't qualify as a class. End of story.

posted by Tragic the Pixie @ 1/25/2007 05:23:00 PM

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End Of Year Survey 2006 
End Of Year Survey
(I will quit posting these surveys soon, I promise, but I actually really like this one and find it helpful and interesting.)

1.) Where did you ring in 2006?
North County hosting a kandi making hotel party with J and some friends.

2.) Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I can't remember them so I probably didn't keep them; but I do think I'll make some for 2007.

3.) Were you in school (anytime this year)?
Totally Spring and Fall semesters halfway through my degree. And I changed my major (again).

4.) How did you earn your keep?
Worked like a Hebrew slave child for BJC in medical records, was super cute, worked the desk at Marguerite under the evil and privacy invading Residence Life, and as an a museum monitor.

5.) Did you ever have to go to the hospital?
I did not *go* to the hospital, but there was an incident where I really probably should have.

6.) Did you have an encounter with the police?
No - J got rid of the piece of tin car.

7.) What was your status by Valentine's Day?
Bored kandi kid couple at Dr. Kandee's rave with no headliner - so all dressed up and nowhere to go!

8.) Where did you go on vacation?
The Cave - Back 2 the Phreak where J proposed. Minneapolis for E3 for a mini-vacation as well.

9.) Did you know anybody who got married?
Not this year but J and I got engaged.

10.) Did you know anybody who passed away?
Not that I know of but there were a few close calls!

11.) Any new additions to your family?
Well, J and the in-laws; Foster has become a large part of the newly formed J-Mel family.

12.) Did anyone close to you give birth?
My sister in law had a baby boy 7 weeks preemie on Christmas Eve.

13.) Have you ran into anybody you graduated high school with?
Some people yeah, it's St. Louis after all ...

14.) Did you move anywhere?
To my new apartment near school.

15.) What sporting events did you go to?
None that I know of; I did watch the World Cup on TV a few times and I watched the Cardinals win the world series on TV.

16.) What concerts did you go to?
Well there are the raves, and then Pointfest, Rob Zombie, Shinedown, and Godsmack; Placebo, The Tossers, and some others I can't think of right now.

17.) Did you do your patriotic duty on Nov. 7?
Totally Claire McKasil!

18.) Where do you live now?
St. Louis

19.) Describe your birthday:
I turned 21; on a Monday.

20.) What's the one thing you thought you would never do but did in 2006?
Actually get my parents to accept that I am actually getting married - so we better start planning that wedding. Get more money out of them (in hopes that I won't just tell them to fuck off and get married and move away.)

21.) What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Get engaged with a ring actually, tell the parentals I was engaged, plan a wedding, have a boss that I actually can't stand/really shitty job; Started The Abortion Fund for Missouri.

22.) What is one thing you regretted this year?
A certain few poor choices in friends, and my choice in college.

23.) What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Doing all the coursework required for my actual degree (so almost finishing college), being on the Dean's List.

24.) What was your biggest failure?
Gaining weight (and a lot of it), certain friendships.

25.) What's something you learned about yourself?
I am actually too smart for somethings and too good for some people.

26.) What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
A degree!!! Security, a good job that I don't positively loathe, more money, a smaller body, some more girl friends that I actually have something in common with and can trust, a purpose or mission or calling or whatever.

27.) What do you wish you'd done more of?
Traveling, seeing some friends, going out and having a good time, raving.

28.) What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying, crying, placating, wasting time.

29.) What was your best month?
Aside from the horrible heat maybe July; but aside from getting engaged it sucked; so other than that October.

30.) What from pop culture will you remember 2006 by?
The fur boots craze? The ravertastic-ness of fashion... how about that Calvin Kline hot pink velour phat pants in the fall collection huh? And what about Heatherette! OMG I ♥ Richie Rich. The comeback of big people Care Bears... that crazy Britney Spears giving birth statue, the Christina Augleria album that did not necessarily suck, the Pussycat Dolls take on Snoop Dog ... I watched a lot of E! and Style network.
Tomkat and Bradgeliana: Angeline tried to adopt all the world's babies in a feat of neocolonialism, Nicole Kidman, one of my favourite sources of thinspiration in the past, wears a baby bump, Madonna loses her damn mind and steals a baby ... the rise in neo-colonialism by the whole adopt a baby from another country like there aren't a lot of American babies.

31.) What song will always remind you of 2006?
Probably something by Fergie like "Fergalicious" or that damn "London Bridge" song.

32.) What was the best thing you bought?
The furry boots, Unamerican's sticker book, my lite-brite table (well I made it but...), Knitting needles and awesome yarn for making cool shit, Debbie Stroller's Stitch 'N' Bitch.

34.) What date(s) from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
July 1, when J proposed at the cave right at the beginning of Spree's set.
May 10, the little yay-it's summer- party.
Not a date but: Elem3ntal.
October 28th: Kickback III.
Sept 27th: I turned 21.

35.) Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? About the same.
ii. thinner or fatter? I think about the same
iii. richer or poorer? Probably poorer

36.) How did you spend Christmas?
With J here at home in the morning and with my mom's family; ended the day by going to a friend's Christmas party at her mom's house and seeing friends.

37.) Did you fall in love in 2006?
Yes - again and again.

38.) How many one-night stands?
None but I certainly wouldn't have minded one!

39.) What was your favorite TV program?
Re-runs of Dead Like Me, Flavor of Love, America's Next Top Model.

40.) Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
My bosses but other than that it's just the usual suspects, maybe a certain few people.

41.) What was the best book you read?
Precarious Life; Judith Butler

42.) What was your greatest musical discovery?
I don't think I bought one album that came out in 2006 - but I discovered The Tossers. :)

43.) What did you want and get?
An engagement ring - that was both gorgeous and impressive and NOT a diamond. A Hello Kitty ipod dock clock thingie. The lite brite table.

44.) What did you want and not get?
More money, stability, to actually live with J, my fuckin' money back for housing Fall 05, Spring 06 semesters.

45.) What was your favorite film of this year?
I wasn't really impressed with any but the prettiest was probably The Black Dahlia

46.) What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
More RaVeS.... more happy hardcore, huge kandi kid filled parties.

47.) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Lazy student, kandi kid, and quasi adult

48.) What political issue stirred you the most?
The abortion ban in North Dakota, the gag laws in Missouri that went into affect in regards to abortion, stem cell research, elections... (woot for the Dems!)

49.) Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine
50.) How would you rate this year on a scale from 1 (shitty) to 10 (absolutely amazing)?
I'll give it a 7 or 6: when it sucked it really sucked but the highs were pretty high.

posted by Tragic the Pixie @ 12/29/2006 02:43:00 PM

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All I Want For Christmas is some establishments to be open 
So for lack of anything else to amuse me - I have the Internet. The boy and I have already exchanged and opened gifts: mine being a Hello Kitty waffle maker but no waffle mix and nothing in the house even close... so no playing there. And he got clothes and candy flavored lip balm.
Now I have a serious hot fudge brownie and chocolate craving ... and if I don't get to Denny's or something soon I'm gonna break down and eat my mom's present of chocolate lava cakes, chocolate truffles, or creme brulee. It ALL sounds good.

So for lack of anything else to do... we are here getting drunk; on rum and diet coke cause that's all we got and I am doing another music blog. Not even an original blog either: a meme blog!

My Life Soundtrack
If your life was a movie, what would the soundtrack be? So, here's how it works:
1. Open your music library (iTunes, WMP, Musicmatch, etc.)
2. Put it on shuffle.
3. Press Play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the Next button.
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool.
7. Don't skip songs.

Opening Credits: "Cartoon Heroes" Aqua

Waking Up: "You Stole The Sun From My Heart" Manic Street Preachers

First Day Of School: "Wandering Star" Portishead

Falling In Love: "Mental" Eels

Fight Song: "3 am" Matchbox 20

Breaking Up: "I'm So Sorry" The Smiths

Prom: "None of That" Looper

Happiness: "Make Your Own Kind Of Music" Happy hardcore track

Life (So Normal?): "Time After Time" Me First and the Gimme Gimmes

Driving: "Sexy Boy" Air

Mental Breakdown: "Lover I Don't Have To Love" Bright Eyes

Flashback: "Tonight I'll Take What I Can Get" (acoustic) Dashboard Confessional

Getting Back Together: "Sexy Eyes" Happy hardcore remix.
Cause you know, you have to get back together with your ex at a rave.... and to some good old happy hardcore.

Wedding: "I'll Fly With You" GiGi D'Agostino
Italian disco! but it works, the boy and I had talked about putting it in the mix to play during our ceremony.

Birth Of A Child: "Star Child" Dune
(more hardcore techno... but strangely fitting I guess...)

Final Battle: "Wild" Poe

Death Scene: "Goodbye To The Circus" Aqua
Super strangely fitting!

Funeral Song: "Black-Eyed" Placebo
I can totally see that.

End Credits: "One Of Us Is Gonna Die Young" The Ark
Weirdly it works, especially with the strangeness

posted by Tragic the Pixie @ 12/24/2006 11:22:00 PM

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"Father Forgive Me" (later renamed "Baby, the Stars Shine Brite") was started in the hope that a confessional blog would be entertaining reading as well as intellectual. After being neglected for some years is now, rather anonymously written in the hopes of hashing out thoughts in a somewhat intelligent manner. Aside from the writer of this blog, I am a university student majoring in Women's Studies and minoring in English at a prominent Catholic university in Middle America. A dedicated liberal - I also throw and participate fully in raves and rave culture from DJing, to lights and sound crew, to doing homework in legal libraries I'll be there - in true Riot Grrrl style: usually a miniskirt, combat boots, and wildly dyed hair. Aside from considering law school and entering politics I hope to start an organization wherever I end up providing a safe place for teenage girls (and boys) and helping their voices be heard as well as providing information on sex, condoms, and anything under the sun that kids may need. I am currently engaged to a wonderful man and hope to be married sometime around November of 2008.
Together in electric dreams
Book: How the Pro-Choice Movement Saved America Freedom Politics and the War on Sex (Christina Page)
Music: The Valley of the Shadow of Death: The Tossers
Film: Pan's Labyrinth
Nothing in the world can touch us
Previous Posts
  • I have a million things to do before spring break ...
  • Getting to the Bottom of Pro-Ana
  • What Four Years at a Catholic University Has Taugh...
  • Anna Nicole as Cultural Icon
  • Psycho Therapy, Psycho Therapy!
  • End Of Year Survey 2006
  • All I Want For Christmas is some establishments to...
  • What? You Mean Miss USA Should Be Punished for Ac...
  • No, I don't believe in the wasting of time; but I ...
  • I &hearts internet shopping

  • I'm gonna be forever young
    My Other Projects:
    Myspace Profile
    Bibliophile: Because Reading Is Sexy
    Daily Kos
    DARE Generation Diary
    Echidne of the Snakes
    Bitch, PHD.
    Raising Yousuf
    Swedish Sloth
    Feminist Blogs
    Message Boards/Communites:
    get crafty
    St. Louis Raver
    Punk Rock Domestics
    Zines & Publications:
    Digs Magazine
    hip mama
    Mother Jones
    The Nation
    Witch Eye
    Other Good Sites:
    Burning Man
    Disgruntled Housewife
    Digitally Imported
    Kandi Trade
    Pax Acidus
    The Post Punk Kitchen
    Scarlet Letters
    STL Craft Mafia
    The Internet Sacred Text Archive
    Do you really want to live forever, forever, and ever?

    do really want to be forever young?
    Author: TragicPixie
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